The Cafeteria of Success: When the PhD Bill Comes Due

I saw a colleague’s WhatsApp status this evening on a post from a recent PhD graduate lamenting the costs of the journey. The person even specifically mentioned the loss of social relationships. Loss of social relationships? Oh, my friend, that’s funny, because you don’t get to have those. You are forced to abandon them entirely. And where do people think some of us got the grey hair? In that academic journey, if you don’t lose the hair itself, the greying is mandatory. Just thank God if you don’t lose your mind or your head itself.

The truth is, this experience is not paid for on credit. Brian Tracy summed it up perfectly: “Success, however you define it, is not like a restaurant where you pay after you have enjoyed your meal. Instead it is like a cafeteria, where you can choose whatever you want, but you must pay for it before you eat it.”

Towards the end of my PhD, I became fixed on one single mission: to finish the program precisely on the academic calendar I was scheduled for. And to God be the Glory, through His Grace, I succeeded. Alhamdulillah! It is a day, time, and year I will never forget.

The Immediate, Physical Cost: The pressure was not just mental; it was physical and administrative. Just three days before my defense, the physical stress manifested violently: my ears blocked with severe pain, and I could barely hear. This was the body’s final, desperate protest against the unrelenting demand. This physical ordeal was compounded by the administrative challenge here in Russia. In our system, finishing, submitting, and getting your paper accepted is only the first step. The second, equally brutal challenge is obtaining the long, constantly changing list of required documents necessary to be formally allocated for the main PhD defense. Navigating this bureaucracy adds layers of volatility and stress that drain the last reserves of energy.

The Price of Separation: My Hardest Decision
This was the heaviest price I paid. I had to make the agonizing decision of sending my wife away during her 5-6 month pregnancy of a child we had been praying for over three years. After finally receiving the answer to our prayers, we had to stay apart instead of nurturing and caring for our blessing together. This was the hardest decision I ever made. With our history of miscarriages, my wife needed someone to provide 100% focused attention. Unfortunately, I was the only person available, and my attention was critically divided: working at three different places, needing to finalize a thesis, and managing family obligations. I simply couldn't provide the dedicated care she deserved, forcing us into that difficult separation over the risk of potential complications.

The Cost to My Voice and Presence
Social Isolation: I paid the price of distancing myself from social activities. While I am not overly social in the first place, the level of withdrawal was extreme, and I could genuinely feel the absence.
Creative Muting: I became more reserved about writing the critical and philosophical opinion pieces on personal growth that people knew me for on social media. This was due to two main factors:

Academic Caution: Growing deeper in academia required me to be more meticulous and careful about what I produced.
Professional Boundaries: Sharing authentic personal experiences can sometimes be misinterpreted by family and close friends. To avoid offense and maintain a focused space for growth, I decided to stop accepting friend requests from family or closed friends. My page is now a purely professional dedicated place for me to grow and help others grow.

The Trade-Off of Focus: Finally, the required intensity morphed my personality. I became deeply goal-oriented: one thing at a time was the only rule. While this single-minded focus ensured my completion, it has its downsides. My professional career demands a volatile and flexible approach, and I’ve found this new rigidity sometimes clashes with the need for adaptability in my line of work. This is a balance I had to start working to adjust.

This is only the tip of the iceberg of the story, but Alhamdulillah!

#stillgrowing #stilllearning